Becoming an Elite Listener
I meet with couples every single day who struggle with being married. The rumor is that high conflict in relationships revolves around money, sex, contempt, and infidelity. I agree that these reasons can wreck a marriage; however, the most fixable marriage destroyer is the misunderstanding caused by not listening.
Not listening to your spouse isn’t really more convenient or easier than listening. It seems that so many people have simply built habits around the shortcuts involved in not listening. These shortcuts create misunderstandings, mistrust, and nearly all conflicts involving money, sex, infidelity, and contempt between spouses.
If you wanted to be the worst listener alive, here’s exactly how to do it. This is the behavioral blueprint for destroying conversations!
Interrupt your spouse as soon as possible. Don’t wait until they finish a thought—cut right in. Make sure that your pace is honored, not theirs.
Assume you already know what your spouse means. Remember every other conversation, and don’t let new information interrupt your assumptions. Jump right to your own conclusion. Be the impatient psychic and really impress your spouse.
Be thinking about your response to what you believe your spouse is saying. Don’t really listen—you’ve heard it all before. It’s important to get to your turn to speak.
Minimize your spouse’s feelings. Say things like, “You’re overreacting!” or “You’re not thinking this through very well!” Don’t allow your spouse to feel things that make you uncomfortable.
Disappear periodically by checking your phone in case something comes up that you can use to get out of the conversation. Never ask clarifying questions to seek deeper meaning. Make certain you listen just enough to defend yourself, if necessary.
I hope you can see how the connection you share as a couple is either destroyed or strengthened by your ability to listen to each other and respond well. To be an Elite Listener, there are rules you can follow. Some might suggest it takes two to make this work. The fact is, it only takes one person to change the trajectory of communication.
Elite Listeners always do these four things:
Elite Listeners always stay on topic. The person who begins the conversation gets to choose the topic. When it’s your turn to listen, never run away with the conversation by hijacking or changing it.
Elite Listeners always hold their tongue until the speaker is finished sharing. They don’t interrupt with assumptions; instead, they ask deepening questions to get more information from their spouse.
Elite Listeners are intentional about listening with a clear mind. They never form their responses while listening to their spouse’s point of view. They stay curious about what’s being said. They pay attention to the tone and body language. Everything matters to an elite listener.
Elite Listeners will always validate their spouses. They show empathy by walking in their partner’s shoes and by being able to feel what their spouse is feeling without judgment. Validation with empathy is pure respect—and the foundation for the connection you will enjoy.
The key to creating romantic feelings, finding connection, discussing hard things, and making healthy agreements depends on being an Elite Listener.
Here’s a challenge: no matter what your New Year’s goals are and no matter how well you’re doing on the resolutions you’ve already set, make being an Elite Listener the one thing you make happen in 2026!
